I'm at a weird place in my life. I need to find my path. I need satisfaction. I need peace of mind. I need...something.
The more I meditate on that last paragraph, the more I realize that I'm having a first-world-problems kind of morning. The more I look at those words, the more I notice which words are absent from my list of needs: food, clothes, shelter. Maslow would call that moving up the hierarchy. The fact that I can look at my life and not have a clear picture of what it is that I need should really tell me something about my level of privilege.
I started this post and created this blog to share my struggles and meditate on my faith, but in the very first post I think I just discovered God's work in my life. I wanted to create something emblematic of my shout into the void, to talk about my struggle to connect with God and with my life's purpose. But then I accidentally connected with God just now.
The thing is that I remember what it felt like when I wasn't quite so comfortable. I remember what it felt like to lay awake at night and wonder how I was going to help my late husband get his insulin. I remember the weight of the knowledge that we only had three vials of that insulin left in the fridge and no health insurance and no jobs. I remember fretting over my crappy car and knowing that, if something happened to it, I would never be able to afford to repair or replace it. I remember the fear of the diminishing number in my account as I paid each bill reluctantly, wondering when our luck would run out and the money would run out and the electricity might get shut off.
Most of all, I remember feeling alone and disconnected. Disconnected from God, from myself, from my church. The thing about being in that place in your life is that it's very easy to lose faith. Praying can feel like a shout into the void, and those prayers can feel unanswered when you continue to feel the pain of your struggle with poverty. It's very easy to be bitter as you watch other people who have more than you do enjoy their privileges while you struggle with the knowledge that $17 can ruin you. When you're that poor, switching to a shower gel that costs fifty cents more than the usual brand feels like a selfish decision.
There are things that I struggle with after having been that poor. Learning to spend money again is coming with time. No longer do I have to fear $10 causing an overdraft that turns into $45 dollars that sets me back for an entire month. And as I gain more of the work-related stresses, the parenting related stresses, and the obligations of adulthood, I understand how it could be that others might not have been there for me like I wanted them to.
There's perspective now, too. My electricity never got shut off. My crappy car never broke down. We often found creative ways to get JJ's insulin. The things that I feared never happened. We always managed to find the money just in time or find a way to get what we needed. God was there, providing blessings just when we needed them.
Much as I am frustrated with my life right now and my obligations, God is giving me all of the things I need. I'm realizing that I just need to continue to trust Him and pray for His guidance. Prayer feels much less like a shout into the void as it does actual communication now, and I can see how my prayers really were answered.
